How do I know when my parents need help? 8 signs adult children miss

Moving through the holidays this year, you may notice that some of the smaller challenges in your parents’ lives turn into larger ones. Slips of the mind are always part of aging, and as an adult child, you may not recognize when they begin to compound. Simple forgetfulness stops being simple. Routines that ran themselves become burdensome. A tradition like preparing Thanksgiving becomes too much, and someone else has to take it over.  

There is a joke about counting the expired things in your parents’ refrigerator. For many families, it is just that, a joke, because they think nothing has changed; this is how their parents have always been, right? Or maybe it is the mail. For years there was a routine where it got sorted; now it sits in piles through the house, unopened. Maybe it is your parent getting up off the sofa and taking an extra moment to find their balance before they walk.  

No one says anything about it. The signs are small, and the change has happened so slowly that there doesn’t seem to be anything to point out. 

The AARP Public Policy Institute projected that 2026 would be the year the caregiver support ratio— the number of potential caregivers aged 45–64 for each person aged 80 and older —shifts from a slow decline into what the report called “a free fall,” in every state.  

Sixty-three million people already care for someone, nearly one in four adults. And, according to the U.S. Census, by 2030, 73.1 million Americans will be 65 or older—one in five of us—and the 85-plus group nearly doubles by 2035.  

If you are in your forties with a parent in their seventies, this story is for you. Your generation is taking this on while still working and raising children of your own: 70% of working-age caregivers hold a job at the same time, and among caregivers under 50, nearly half are also raising a child under 18. 

Is it just normal aging? 

The National Institute on Aging is clear that occasional forgetfulness is normal for aging adults. The question is not “does Mom forget things?” but rather, “is this different from a year ago?” A parent who always kept a messy desk is not showing a sign; however, one who kept a spotless house and now has mail stacked around in piles is. 

Here are eight things to look at while you are in your parents’ house—these are not diagnoses, just a list to consider while at your parents’ this holiday season. 

1. Home upkeep 

Clutter, mail in piles, expired food, laundry backing up. Housekeeping slips early and is a foundational trait to independence making it a  

2. Self-care and hygiene 

Not bathing, wearing the same clothes, dressing incorrectly for the weather.  Even for someone who is not neat, these changes are noticeable and are a clear signal that your parent may need more help than they realize. 

3. Unintended weight change 

Clothes fit differently, whether tighter or more loose. The refrigerator is empty or full of spoiled food. Weight gain and loss are both things to notice, with weight loss being a clear sign that a parent may have stopped shopping or cooking for themselves. 

4. Medication management 

Unfilled prescriptions, missed doses, duplicate bottles, a pill minder that doesn’t get filled. The NIA states that it is important to note whether someone has the medications they need as missed medication can worsen chronic conditions. 

5. Financial management 

Unpaid bills, duplicate payments, misplaced money, unusual donations, scam calls. Families often take a long time to notice this sign, as finding it means reading their parents’ mail. It is important to have clear financial conversations earlier in the aging process, as changes in judgment quickly surface around finances. 

6. Driving and vehicle damage 

Scrapes and dents, curb strikes, getting lost on a familiar route. Take a walk outside and look at your parents’ car. Driving yourself is one of the strongest ties to independence and families often rationalize letting their aging loved one drive long after it is safe to do so. 

7. Mobility and falls 

Trouble getting out of a chair, the bed, or the car are near-misses most don’t consider. And if your parent does not make you aware when they suffer a fall, this is a sign that you should not take lightly. 

8. Mood and cognition 

Has your parent stopped going to things they used to love? Are they displaying apathy that is better explained as contentment, confusion, or memory loss past ordinary forgetting? Depression is often mistaken for normal aging; a parent may brighten for a visit but revert to a more introverted state when alone. 

What to do when you notice these signs. 

None of this is a verdict. An AARP expert puts it best, “Some of these things don’t require a caregiver at all. They just need attention.” A pill organizer, groceries delivered, a ride twice a week—remember; attention is not a takeover. 

Start with a task, not a capacity. The NIA has a helpful script: “Mom, it looks like you don’t have much food in the house. Are you having trouble getting to the store?” Framing without the word caregiver can give independence and autonomy over their own decisions— “we need to get you a personal assistant” will not set off alarms like “we need to hire a caregiver”. 

Most of this list calls for help, not alarm. Four do warrant a physician follow-up: a new fall, new confusion, sudden weight loss, or any statement of hopelessness. 

If someone talks about not wanting to be here, it is considered a medical emergency. You can find easy and accessible resources by calling or texting the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 

The four days over Thanksgiving you spend noticing these signs will be the easy part. The hard part is saying it out loud to a parent who may become defensive or explain away the issue. 

At Boulder Community Health, primary care is where that conversation becomes a plan. You can schedule an appointment with your parents’ primary care provider by calling 303-415-4015. If they have an existing relationship with BCH services, we strongly encourage using our MyBCH patient portal.  

Our patient centered medical network is the right first step even if the answer is geriatric specialty care, which your PCP would refer you for. Other resources like Family Caregiver Alliance covers the necessary steps for planning and connecting with outside members of your parents care team.